How I Found Out I was Queer, & Why "Queer" Fits Me Best

It wasn't an "all of a sudden" moment.

It was bits and pieces fragmented over the years, coming together like a tapestry, slowly, until the threads began to make sense.

Except, it's more like an amateur knitting clunky pieces together until a master decides to take over. It's still growing, evolving, taking shape, but it's messy. It'll always be messy.

In light of recent conversations in the writing community on Twitter, I decided to make this post with the hope that someone else can see themselves in my discovery, because it's nothing like I'm seeing everywhere else.

Without going into specifics, there have been tweets circulating about the inclusion of "too many" LGBTQ characters in the main cast of a story, as though it's not "realistic" for every character to be on the queer spectrum. And while I disagree strongly (of COURSE every character can be queer; straight doesn't have to be the default!), I've seen many responses from queer people about the fact that they group together and entire friend circles are comprised solely of queers. They flock together. Straight is the outlier. Queer is the norm.

But it's never been that way for me. And I feel like a fraudulent queer* because of it. (See my note at the end about my use of "queer" throughout this post.)

I grew up in a sheltered Christian household. I was taught that being gay is wrong. My entire formative years were seen through the lens of the homosexuality-is-bad branch of Christianity. Even when I fell out of faith by age 14, I was still surrounded by Christian beliefs all around. It took years for me to open my mind - it started with "I don't agree with their lifestyle, but I don't care if they're gay" and eventually became "I won't support The Salvation Army." But I still didn't understand the world, and I certainly never thought of myself as queer. I was going to get married by 21, have a kid by 23. A traditional, nuclear family.

My first introduction to the real world was university, in 2011. At this point, I still didn't understand "queerness" even though I had read about it in books (namely Cassandra Clare's Shadowhunters series). I said some dumb things ("Is she a girl?" when I honestly couldn't tell, and I wish someone had called me out on it then). I was uneducated, still seeing the world through Christian-tinted glasses. "Homosexuality is bad! but if it doesn't harm me, I don't care."

In retrospect, I think one person in my direct "friend" group in university was queer. I use the term "friend" lightly, because no one was ever really my friend. I don't have friends, but that's a post for another time. (If you want to read a brief thread about how I've failed at friendships, it's here on Twitter.)

That one person...that's the only person I've known in real life who might have been queer.

I didn't begin realizing I was queer until after I graduated. I started thinking about it more and more, and the communities I found on the internet were great sources of knowledge on the matter. Tumblr, Twitter...everywhere I looked, people were talking about their queerness, and more and more books, movies, tv series were including queer representation. I realized, first, I was an ally. But who could I have been an ally to if I didn't have any friends? Then I thought, maybe I'm asexual. But some people argued that aroace people aren't queer. I'd argue they are.

Then, at some point, I discovered the word "bisexual." I know it was around late 2016/early 2017 when I started hinting that I liked both guys and girls, and to this day I say my type is Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom. Pirates of the Caribbean was definitely my bi awakening, but I couldn't have guessed that as a wee 10 year old when the first movie came out.

Let's be real: It should have been obvious when I was obsessed with Susan Pevensie. Archers, amirite? 😉

Of course, growing up in a Christian household and going to church every Sunday, being bi was probably The Worst thing (even worse than not having any faith left). I couldn't tell anyone. All my "friends" were Christian. They wouldn't understand. I have a good relationship with my parents; I didn't want to ruin that. So I stayed closeted. I still am, in some aspects of my life. My family doesn't know; most of my coworkers do. I've created a new online personality to keep myself safe.

The only problem is, I don't have a group of queers to call my friends. So when I see posts saying it isn't realistic to have a main cast comprised of all queer characters, I think about my experiences, and I don't know whether to agree or disagree. I don't want straight to be the default, at all, even in my own writing. Most of my characters are bi, but it's very subtle, probably because I'm projecting. I haven't had the most expansive dating life (I've had one boyfriend a decade ago, who basically told me I was a bad kisser, and I've been on one date since - two weeks ago; I've never dated a girl, never had sex, never kissed someone else, so how am I even supposed to know I'm bi?) and my characters aren't sure how to explore their sexuality, like me. But I also only know straight people. I am the token queer. The nameless side character. The blink-and-you'll-miss-it representation. The one easily cut from foreign screenings.

So, to me, it isn't realistic. But that won't stop me from making all of my characters queer. Because I know my experience isn't universal or even common. And it makes me think that maybe I'm a fraud. I don't have a queer friend group, so how can I add my voice to this conversation? I can only do what I can, with what limited resources I have, to make sure straight isn't the default anymore. Queer it up. Who cares if it doesn't have any bearing on the plot?

But seriously, where are all the queer people in my city?

Addendum & Post Script:

*Queer is the best fit for me, personally, and I use it here as an umbrella term for the LGBTQ+ community. I don't want to offend anyone who isn't comfortable with the word; it's what I use to describe myself, as a bi-romantic ace-spec space fairy (that includes trans/NB/GNC folx, btw).

I've avoided going to church since I moved out, not only because I've fallen out of faith, but because it feels like every other week is an attack on the queer community. How can they preach about love and then turn around to condemn me?

I've grown so much since university. I've unlearned so many negative things about this community. I've been teaching my coworkers that "they" is an acceptable singular pronoun. And I still don't feel like I belong, which has also contributed to some underlying issues I might never acknowledge out loud. (Another time, maybe.)

But for now, I'm here. I'm queer. And so is my cast of characters. (Except Tara. She's the token straightie.)