Fear, Me, & Everything

How does one navigate fear when they don't believe in a force who is meant to alleviate some of that fear?

In regards to this pandemic, I have a very weird relationship with fear (or worry or concern or anxiety). I work in Canada's largest airport, through which the first infected person travelled some weeks ago. Ontario has the most cases in the country, and I've seen a drastic decrease in travellers last week alone. Friday was supposed to be one of the busiest travel days of the year, ahead of March Break, but the airport was dead. Our manager is sending people home early.

But we're required to stay open, as long as the airport is open.

At this point, we're taking it day by day. If the situation gets worse, our store might close per head office instructions. All non-essential travel is banned. If anyone leaves, they are required to self-isolate for two weeks upon their return. We have enough hand sanitizer and Lysol wipes to thoroughly clean our store, but we are still interacting with potential carriers. Just yesterday, a customer told me they arrived back from Italy. One of the worst hit nations. I even touched her phone. Another customer told me they were going to self-isolate after arriving back from Europe.

And yet...I'm not as scared as I should be. Risk to Canadians is still low, but I know it is much higher working at the airport. Officials aren't doing enough to provide extra screening. There are virtually no sanitizing stations around. My place of work is currently trending on Twitter in Canada based on the lack of preventive measures they're offering to travellers.

And yet....

Two weeks ago I woke up with a cold. Right in the middle of this crisis (but before it was declared a pandemic). I took a single day off work in order to keep my coworkers safe. It started with a mildly sore throat (I've had worse), and it's still lingering in my nose. It could have been so much worse, but at the time, I couldn't afford to self-isolate. Our company will only pay us for two weeks if we test positive. We're losing hours because no one is travelling. Right now, I'm okay. I can survive a few weeks if the store has to close. I have enough savings for a while. I have emergency cash on hand. I went grocery shopping and bought a lot of cereal. But I don't remember the last pandemic or the last recession. Gas is so cheap right now. It dropped more than 20 cents in three days. And I know that's bad for the economy.

And yet....

I know I should be more scared. Or at least more cautious. If it hits me, I am certain I will recover. But how many people I might come in contact with won't? My grandparents are elderly. My one grandma is in her 90s. I'm scared for them, but it's less about them getting the virus, and more about them getting the necessary essentials from the grocery store if they can't go out. Obviously I can do their shopping for them. But what if there isn't any food to find? That's what I'm scared of.

My relationship with fear in regards to everything is...strange. I'm not scared for me. I'm scared for people who might be affected. Who can't get out to buy groceries. Who can't afford to close up shop for weeks. We have (mostly) accessibly healthcare in Canada, but I know my place of work isn't doing enough to curb the spread.

If I think about it too much, I might panic. And it would certainly be nice to have something or someone to believe in who is supposed to take away these kinds of fears.

But I don't. And so I go on.